Walking for Lex to kick Leukemia's ass

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a tree for you

After Poland, like all March of the Living trips we traveled to Israel. I was dreading going back there--first time for everything--most don't dread going to Israel. But i did. I just didn't want to have to deal with the emotions of going back to a place that I had left you--smiling and hopeful. But, alas, this is part of my gig and as soon as my feet touched the ground in Israel it hit me that you weren't there.

I spent months from the time I knew I was heading for Israel attempting and in some ways pretending to prepare my emotions for what was going to come. This was not the thing you could write a script for though. You never know how you will react before you get somewhere--so I didn't prepare. I just continued missing you, naturally.

Upon arrival in Israel, our group headed directly to the north to go tree planting. I couldn't picture anything more fitting. My participants all planted trees to mark the Jewish presence in the land of Israel, and I planted one for you--and your presence in the land of Israel. I know that a lot of you is still in Israel--eating a huge caramel decadent pie, enjoying a delicious salad at Goocha that I had you drooling over in a mere description and just walking along the look out staring at the sea like we did that one shabbat.

Neshama's as strong as yours definitely need to be bound up and protected in a land like Israel--and I know a country like this, one you loved so dearly, will protect you and keep your precious neshama safe. And now, there is a tree in Israel for you that I will forever go and visit each time i go.

This is a tree for you.

unveiled

thanks for the little sun today--i think we all felt your warmth today. none of us wanted to leave you today. we all sort of just stood around and didn't want to go.
you are dearly missed. beyond any stretch of the definition.

late night rambles

I still don't believe any of this is true. so much of me still thinks that you will be coming home. but the reality is so far from that. the worst part is that i'm going to Israel in a few weeks--and then i think this will all be even more real--more permanent. a real punch to the stomach kinda realization that you aren't here and certainly not in Israel.

I miss you like crazy. we all miss you like crazy.

the memories of you and i in your housepital are coming at me fast and furious--i picture you marching along with the characters on the television screen.

i picture you turning your little head every time i opened the door to come into your hospital room to hang--eager to hear about the crazy adventure i had been on.

i think of "skinny bitch" and it's shiny reflection at night time.

i think of our long late night talks...our evening strolls...our honest exchanges about life, people, tragedy, gossip...imparting to you some of my philosophies about life and you taking a deep interest.

and while all these memories took place in a setting not so happy, these are all mostly happy memories. and they are mine. they are ours. but mostly mine.

how lucky am i that i got to be part of those moments. precious moments. we took it all in like it was our last--we know that lesson--live every day to the fullest. and we did. we really did.

your care and concern for me and everyone around you. your honest and loving opinions. your eagerness to learn more about a particular situation. your understanding of the world and people around you--we agreed on so many levels.

and you knew yourself so well--you were so well aware. so much more aware than a lot of people in this world. you got it.

been so busy lately with work--you'd be excited for me and the adventures i'm about to go on. besides going on the march of the living, i'll finally be heading to india--hehe...not one of the places you wanted to go to though--was too dirty for you! :) but i'll bring you back something cool anyway! a bracelet perhaps? i know you'd be excited. you knew how badly i wanted to go there. :) and each time i said india, you always smiled and said that it wasn't your thing.

i took this photo thinking of lex. then i found out 2 hours later.

almost been a month

i thought that not writing would be easier some how. but it's not. this is still really hard. not a single day goes by where I don't think of alexis--she is so present in so many things that go on in my life. so many reminders. so many people that ask how you doing. so many times i take an extra bite of something just for her. especially if it's something really yummy. i take an extra bite for her. i guess that's one of the ways i'm dealing with all of this. sort of. the other method that was recommended was to distract myself. going into it, i didn't think it was a good idea...because when you distract yourself, for me at least, you push off feelings that are important to confront and go through. I've been blanketing my emotions through different mediums. work, going out, friends, painting. but eventually the blanket comes off and your left naked with a million different emotions. that's kind of happening tonight. st. patty's out of all nights. lex would want me to go out, and i'm trying to. that's my plan. okay. i'm going. nice to write again. miss her.

hard to write this

slowly setting in. permanence. slowly slowly. but i reject it. though, I shouldn't. but, then, how am i suppose to know what to do. how are any of us suppose to know. relentless and unending questioning with no good answer. that's the truth.