dig for lessons

Lex passed a year ago around this time on Israel's clock (so really the 29th of December, 2010).

And man, has time passed--looking back, it feels like forever ago that she died but somehow, the year has flown by so quickly and the craziest part is so much has happened...I've managed to catch a few lessons along the way: laugh and cry at the same time, a lot. Eat more things I'm not suppose to (knowing that Lex would indulge if she were here). And while I already maintain a positive persona, when I think of her, she inspires me to give a little bit more light to others (in other words, she helps brighten other people's days as well).

I've also learned what it means to be sad (in a very real yet unfamiliar way and now of course, a comfortable way). A friend a while back told me that being sad meant that you really had something special with the person who passed away and to feel sadness meant something special and real and honest. I believe that.

I wrote about translating sad emotions into empowering ones/ brave ones and I still hold that sentiment. But man, a year, a whole year, a year this earth, this world, our world, my world, your world has wrestled with sadness.

In all of it I realize, it's okay to be sad and cry--we wouldn't be human. We need those emotions to persevere and to survive. We need to know what sadness feels like so that when we enter into happiness, our level of happiness will be heightened and our smiles will be bigger and brighter and more honest. You will be higher (without the drugs). Go and be sad, but just, while you are in that sadness, that hole (you have to embrace that hole by the way--it's important) know that you can build your way out of it and dig for those lessons. That is how you grow to be stronger and of course, happier.

for this year, don't be so complacent with your emotions or yourself...you, yourself, at the end of the day are the one you need to count on so explore and discover and learn and share as much as possible.

inspired by lex,

new year wishes to you and yours...

coping mechanisms

I've delayed writing. Perhaps pushed away thinking. Sealing any possible thought to avoid inevitable sadness. Man we miss this girl.

What are you suppose to do with the feelings of loss? Push them aside? Ignore them? Meet them eye to eye? Let them break you down a little and then build yourself back up again so that strength may prevail?

I've grappled with the use of my feelings of loss and the other day, it struck me...

Feelings of loss don't necessarily need to elicit negative reaction. For me, I think anyway, it's been somewhat opposite and I'm trying to see the positive and hold onto it as tightly as I can. Not to mention, if I didn't take the positive route I wouldn't be able to live with myself and I know my compadre Alexis would be pissed. If she knew we were just commiserating and sad and helpless, she would be mad and we would not do justice to her or her legacy. So instead, empowerment is the word that comes to mind. Realizing and actualizing that this is absolutely a loss, but also a gain where some form of expression of empowerment is present in our day (man that's taken a year to say--it's true what they say, these things take a while to swallow)...is this a selfish construct or simply, a coping mechanism?

I'm going to say empowerment is a good coping mechanism.

From grief to empowerment, one spectrum to the next. It's what we need to do. At least for me.

Light the Night Walk 2011--Almost reached my goal

Light the Night Walk 2011

I've experienced a new feeling and I am expressing it too well lately. It's called anger. I don't think that the experience of grieving has a particular order although the process in books seem to be prescribed such that you move from sadness to denial, to anger and eventually to moving on (i think guilt is somewhere in the mix). Anger has reared its ugly head on me. it's happening to me now.

It's been 9 months since and while time has certainly lapsed, Lex is still not here and it is making me really really angry. I'm angry because she should be here and I'm angry because she died. It's kind of like the experience of being claustrophobic--caught in a tight space, no room to move around and your fighting frantically to get out like a baby in a womb. Just angry. I don't think it will last long--but while I'm angry I will embrace it with a pink bow in my hair.

Light the Night Walk 2011

Light the Night Walk 2011

Walking for Lex to kick Leukemia in the ass

Walking for Lex to kick Leukemia's ass

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a tree for you

After Poland, like all March of the Living trips we traveled to Israel. I was dreading going back there--first time for everything--most don't dread going to Israel. But i did. I just didn't want to have to deal with the emotions of going back to a place that I had left you--smiling and hopeful. But, alas, this is part of my gig and as soon as my feet touched the ground in Israel it hit me that you weren't there.

I spent months from the time I knew I was heading for Israel attempting and in some ways pretending to prepare my emotions for what was going to come. This was not the thing you could write a script for though. You never know how you will react before you get somewhere--so I didn't prepare. I just continued missing you, naturally.

Upon arrival in Israel, our group headed directly to the north to go tree planting. I couldn't picture anything more fitting. My participants all planted trees to mark the Jewish presence in the land of Israel, and I planted one for you--and your presence in the land of Israel. I know that a lot of you is still in Israel--eating a huge caramel decadent pie, enjoying a delicious salad at Goocha that I had you drooling over in a mere description and just walking along the look out staring at the sea like we did that one shabbat.

Neshama's as strong as yours definitely need to be bound up and protected in a land like Israel--and I know a country like this, one you loved so dearly, will protect you and keep your precious neshama safe. And now, there is a tree in Israel for you that I will forever go and visit each time i go.

This is a tree for you.