Disclaimer for this post: I couldn't sleep a few nights ago because these were the thoughts that were keeping me up.
It's been two full days having not gone to the hospital to visit Alexis. I wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to chance anything. Alexis' immune system has been none existent since transplant day almost 21 days ago and I certainly don't want to be the one to blame for an infection. Gevalt.
Two days away from the hospital was hard--I like going there daily to be with Lex--we entertain one another. I go mostly in the evenings and sleep over. And now that i'm leaving for Toronto in a couple days, i'm feeling a host of different emotions. Feeling everything. Not only am I leaving behind the incredible personal journey of my own self exploration, but I won't be here to sit, physically, in the bleachers cheering Alexis on. I won't be here for the ups and thank gd tollerable downs. I won't be here to visit daily, or witness the day to day visits from the doctors, student interns, or iced aroma light indulgences and I won't be here the day Alexis' body is renewed--the day her body becomes her own, perfectly functioning (B"H) system that she deserves--cancer free (B"H).
I've been by Alexis' and Debbie's side since day one--I've been part of this team--part of the experience--part of the ups and downs. In a few days, I will be so far from everything--and although she is in the best possible hands, I'm starting to feel anxious--as the reality profoundly sinks in of my departure from this magnificent country, this amazing young woman I call both my cousin and truly a best best friend, and of course my com padre and mentor Debbie, I'm nervous.
Of course I can always come back here (and that's a definite option) but I don't know what tomorrow may bring for Alexis--and I want to be here for that--for the good and the not so goods (poo poo poo).
Debbie always says that "we'll be fine." And of course I know that. But I realize, too, that i've been helpful--whether couriering late night gourmet meals to the hospital, singing each morning, "It's a beautiful morning," or late night talks with Debbie seeping with meaning or simply making Alexis laugh til she cries, I know i've been an asset. That's the truth.
To be so involved with Alexis throughout this war, this battle of her bloods, has been an eye opener and in a lot of ways an honour.
Alexis and I are only a year a part--our friends are the same ages--we are all in the middle of the mid twenties "walking grounds" so to speak--and if I've learned anything, I've totally taken my health for granted--and as Debbie says, "at this age, we should be able to do that, not have to worry," and she's right--absolutely right. I really just think that we should be aware of our health, appreciate our health and recognize that most of our bodies can tolerate the intolerable. Laila Tov.
No comments:
Post a Comment