i miss her so much.

"With time, it will get easier"

With time it will get easier. That is what people keep saying. I think I used to tell people that. The meaning of this euphemism, however, for me at least, doesn't seem to be working or moving in that healing direction.
Time, certainly is a beautiful thing. Thank gd I have it. But with time, i don't think this will get easier. At least, not anytime soon.

I spoke with one of Alexis' best friends this morning, she and I are on the same page. basically, in time, we will learn that this is permanent. That with time, it will become more clear to us that she isn't here. And then what?

During shiva, I remember Alexis' Bubbie (Debbie's mom) say, this is especially hard on the kids. I remember thinking that this is just hard on everyone. But, maybe she is right? I don't know though. To lose such a life, that was full of life has got to be hard on all of us. For us kids, I guess, we wanted her to be part of our lives for always--do all the growing up/ learn about life stuff. I know she will be part of my life, but it won't be the same without her here. Fact.

Jen told me Lex always saw me as a little ball of sunshine. Lex told me that all the time too. I'm happy she felt that way. I'm happy I made her happy. I'm happy I was there with her. She made me happy. So, my goal is to get back to that, but for now, I'm really behind a big white fluffy cloud. There is less rain, less thunder. But the sun isn't out yet. I guess, in time it will?

flowing with the emotions

The general sequence of conversation is something like this:
"I never knew her but I feel for you, and if i feel this way, then i don't know how you're coping. I can't imagine how her parents are coping, her sister."

I don't generally know how to answer this because a way a person feels changes every second, every moment and I can't speak for anyone but myself right now. Of course people can appear better than they are; and what goes on behind closed doors is between an individual and most likely a pillow case.

It's hard to ask me how they are "coping" because i don't really go by the term. I more so go by moving through the waves of emotions. I've said that before i think. Memories can pop in out at any moment and take you for a spin, a roller coaster ride, that never seems like it will end. then there is the question of guilt, should we be having a good time, enjoying, laughing. There is no direct answer. The only thing I can see, personally, is that circumstances like this, the only way, for me at least, is to ride the emotional wave. When a big wave comes crashing, feel that crash. When there is ease at the tide, go with it. Let it happen. Let the emotions guide you, not hinder you. Let them continue your flow. and as morbid as it might seem, go with it, enjoy it. Enjoy each emotion. Embrace the saddnes and the happiness. To understand saddness is to really understand and embrace happiness (vice versa).

Sitting in my new office desk, thinking of Lex.

I just started working. And everyday, I think about Lex. Thinking of her on my own is something I do every second it seems. But, now that I'm working in the Jewish community, Lex seems to be the subject. I mean, I'm happy to engage. I just won't get any work done. If they are cool with that, then so am I. My desk is a corner cubicle. People stop by. i'm the need kid on the block here and i'm easily the youngest. My office mates, whom I have developed relationships with in the past, stop by to chat. Everyday. And the topic is always Lex. She's on everyones mind. And everyone too, is also in disbelief. I get that. I told Debbie about all this on my way to work. She get's it. It makes sense. We are all talking about her and we all miss her. Even the people that didn't know her, miss her.

I had a dream

Through all of this, it's been hard to phatom the reality that lex is really gone. However, when I have lucid dreams like the one I had this past Friday, I know that she's not that far away.

I had a dream about Lex. It was so real. She was holding my hand. She wanted to make sure that everyone was ok and she looked beautiful.

Trying to find comfort in memories...

Last night I was out with one of my closest girlfriends...for the first time in a while, the words that were coming out of my mouth were memories. I was laughing without crying. Crying inside. I still haven't found the type of waterproof mascara Lex recommends.

As I told Debbie, and as I've told my closest friends and family, in no shape or form did i see lex as someone with cancer. to this day. I never will. I see the girl who made me laugh by doing nothing at all. I see the smiley face of a vivacious woman. I see her sitting at the kitchen table, and what a surprise that was that one Wednesday, with a smile and tears of joy. She said, "i cut an apple." And even when we were in the hospital, it never felt like a hospital room.

She was hysterical. The doctors told her to get as much exercise as possible and in any form. So, one day, all of a sudden, a marching band appeared on the television screen and Lex and I stood up and started to march together. To march together meant marching forward. We will march forward for lex. Slowly. But we will march forward.

holes

I'm not about to start making sense out of this. I'm not going to say, well, Alexis is gone because (fill in blank). The blank doesn't exist for me right now. Other than the real, out of order, untimely, difficult, traumatic truth. It's just that, she's gone. She's gone because she's gone.

Don't get me wrong, of course I've spent hours trying to contemplate the reality of this. But to make sense out of this. Sense? Alexis gone? This combination is just not realistic to me. yet. I've been asking for someone to pinch me--instead they are hugging me. I'm being hugged. I'm being told, the time you had with her was so special. How lucky you are that you really knew the real Lex. But still. I'm numb. Those that understand what I'm saying are also numb.

Lex and gone don't make sense. But somehow, this is the truth. Lex, our beautiful smiley face is the reason why so many 1000s of people came to pay tribute to her Monday Jan 3. It seems like a year ago. All of those people, and more, were touched by her story and touched by what they knew of her. Everyone is scarred. Everyone has been left feeling empty. Holes. Holes. Holes. Holes in her closest friends hearts, including mine. Holes in her boyfriend's hearts. Holes in strangers hearts. Holes in her families hearts. Holes in her sisters heart. Holes in her parents heart. Nothing, nothing can possibly fill that hole.

I don't want that hole closed. That hole will forever be Alexis'. That hole will be a constant reminder of her--and nothing will take it away. A friend mentioned to me that to feel pain and to feel hurt is to know that you truly had a connection with that person. And how lucky am I to feel that pain? That hurt. So many people never got to know the Lex the way I did (and her other fans). As weird as it sounds, i'm honored to be hurting this bad. I wish I wasn't hurting. This of course is not how I wanted to feel, how any of us wanted to feel or intended to feel. This is the opposite. Polar opposite feeling. But in some weird way and it probably sounds insensitive or something...but how lucky am i to feel so much hurt.

Spending time with her in Israel...breathing hope into the air, I had no clue that this was even a possibility. I mean, I may have had a clue, but I see through a pink lens. I only wanted to see the good. I only wanted to see the positive. I only wanted to be and remain optimistic. My hope was so strong. SO so strong. I hoped. Every little piece of my 4"11 body hoped. From my head to my feet. My WHOLE being!!!

WWLD

What would Lex do?

you were the most successful woman I've ever met. truly.

marching forward

i'll be in a cacoon for a while

more on time

We always say appreciate the time you have--but seriously, appreciate every moment. You never know how long moments can last for. The only control we have with time is to fully enjoy it. That's it. Nothing more, Nothing less. The time i spent with Lex, we fully enjoyed. Man I miss her. we all miss her.

Lessons

There are so many lessons you gave me and so many I gave you. Together we learned. And now, I will share. I'll live my life with them in mind.

Timing.

its shabbat. and just like on any shabbat, for me at least, i think about my week. I sit. Alone. Quietly. By myself. With just my thoughts. I reflect. I wonder. I calculate. I breath. On each shabbat, I close my eyes, or stare at the sunset, and think about each day. I try to think about all the events that took place. Think about who i spoke with. Who I helped. who I hugged. What i ate. I think about, and I really stress "try" to think about the time that was my week.

I take Saturday first, then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then of course, Friday. I dissect every moment. This week, by far, was the hardest most emotional week of my life. Not just for me, but I think the entire world.

Last Saturday, I spent the morning in bed. Crying, yelling, upset. Preparing to greet, and how the f can I seriously prepare to greet, how can I even say greet, Debbie, Rick and Danielle at their home. This was not the way we were suppose to bring Lex home...I can't even wrap it around my head that she is gone. A piece of me still thinks this is a mistake. That the doctors made a mistake. That we have to just wake her up, and she'll be fine. How is she possibly gone?

Then Sunday, the day Lex was coming home. This was the day before the funeral. I know that I was a mess. I don't really remember where i was. Sunday? I really don't remember you. I know I was with family--inside Debbie and Rick's home with the rest of Toronto--the rest of what felt like the world. The entire world is grieving. No one was in any good condition--and though some of us looked like we were, we absolutely were not. I think Sunday, now that it just popped into my head, Debbie read a journal entry of something lex wrote. She only wrote once. She wrote about a few people. She wrote about Nurse Samira, she wrote about Dr. Gazoontite and Dr. Slavin--"they were writing a new book" and it was going to be about her. She wrote about a selfless pilot, Matt, an angel to Lex--a perfect stranger who wanted to help and did beyond words. She wrote about her two close friends, Steve and Mark. How much they made her feel like she was home while being so far away...she wrote about her rock, her mom. She wrote about me. When debbie read what she wrote, I was surrounded by Alexis' family and closest friends. Thank gd for them. Her friends are all pieces of her--I see her in a lot of them. It's comforting. I just wish she was here to see her girls and i all together. That's what she wanted. We had a plan for all of us to hang out. Now i'm with them and I wish, wish wish you were here. I know you'd be so happy. Lex, they are all amazing girls. I understand why they were your world. I love them a lot. Through them I will forever be reminded of you...although, you will be in my mind forever.

Then Monday. I can't. I can't talk about it. All I know is that the sun shone through at the feld and you were there with us. You were there. We know. You warmed us in the most darkest hour. There must have been over 1000 people there. Lex, I wish you were here. These people would all have been at your welcome home party. They would have been the crowd to greet you at the airport. All of them. All of them loved you. Will always love you. Lex. it was an army. An army you created. An army of love.

It was so hard Lex. So hard. I couldn't believe it was happening. I couldn't believe it was you. It's just not right. It's not right.

Then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday are all a blur really. Full of people, shoes, jackets, hangers. Seemed like thousands. Probably was. Your house was full. Full to the rim. Every night. People came to love and support your parents and to love and support each other. Strangers I even think came. Lex, you left a legacy my love, my cousin, my best friend. You left a legacy.

And now today. Friday. Friday. Shabbat. My day of reflection.

As I reflect on everything, reflect on my time with you leading up to today, I thank gd for timing. I don't thank gd that you aren't here. That's for sure. I thank gd for timing. I thank gd, or something bigger, for timing. For allowing me to be with you at, though some think were only hard times, we both know were amazing times. The time we had together was unlike anything we've both ever experienced. We knew we loved each other because we sorta had to...we are family...but we took our friendship, our bond to a whole other level. I left you in Israel when I was full of hope. I brought that hope home with me and passed it out to everyone else. I was FULL of hope. FULL FULL FULL! And I can't believe it. It's just been a shock. This week has been a shock.

Today, this Friday, this Shabbat, I think of you. I think of you always, but I really think of you. ANd i think of timing. I think of the minutes and

seconds and hours we spent together. Like two peas in a pod. I knew there was a reason why I didn't go to India. I knew there was a reason why I had to stay in Israel. Lex, 2 days before I was about to book a flight back to Toronto, we learned of the next chapter of your life. There was no hesitation in my heart or mind that I had to stay. I wanted to stay. We were both excited, though obviously the circumstances were not in our favour, we were going to have time to hang out. Finally. And what a time we had. It was a honeymoon i wished would never end.

Lex, I love you. I can't believe you aren't here. But trust me when I say this, you will forever be in so many peoples minds and thoughts for days, and years, and decades and centuries to come. TIming. That's what we had. We had timing. Timing.

Shabbat Shalom.

it seems like the other day i was walking up arlozorov late in the evening time to change and then head back to the hospital. or, like on most days, walk back to the apartment in the morning time after spending the night with you. seems like yesterday. seems like yesterday that I would walk into the hospital room, but before i did, i'd peek through the little crack between the doorframe and the "black out" curtain. most times you wouldn't see me doing this, but when you did, and i caught your eye, it made me so happy. and when i caught your eye, i smiled at you. i smiled at you big. big. it was like a regular routine. and since i didn't have much of a routine (I was aimlessly hanging in Israel), you gave me a routine. the best kind of routine. one that involved spending my time with you, walking tel aviv/ going on adventures, and then coming back, spending time with you and sharing my stories. you loved them all. you were eager to hear them. I was eager to share them.

when i was away from the hospital, I was either at the beach, or at the vintage market or just wandering the streets--sitting at a cafe writing--refueling my energy. Refueling so that I could be strong for you. You were so strong. So strong. I remember I use to say that you and my mother are the strongest people i know and you both always had something special because of that--you forever will. my mother cherished you. I cherished you. your parents and sister cherished you. your grandparents. your boyfriend cherished you. your friends cherished you. everyone and their neighbors and strangers cherished you. the list is endless. the doctors at ichilov cherished you.

somehow, writing, is helping. i think it's helped through this process. for everyone. for all of us. I can feel that you are reading this in some way. So i want to keep writing. maybe you are really reading this. maybe you aren't. i'll believe that you do. and write. write for you.

strong because alexis was

riding the emotional wave

Lex. In some ways I want to say you won the battle of your bloods. I want to say that you beat what you were fighting against. because you did. you beat cancer right out of you. You beat it. we just wish you were still here and that we didn't have to lose you to what took you away.

flexing the emotional muscle

how does this make any sense. it has to make sense. it has to. if it doesn’t make sense than what is the point of living. what is the point of humanity and living.

in no conceivable way does it make sense that we lost lex. in no way, shape or form.

and how can we even find a way to find comfort in this. how can we begin to think about ways to help us move through this--help us get past this devastation. this tragedy. this Shakespearean heartbreaking story. the story of a beautiful woman who touched the lives of thousands...the story of this beautiful woman who stands among one of the most successful individuals i know...the story of someone who loved life--who tasted life with every bite, to its fullest.

Death is life’s reality check for the living--it just doesn't make sense that you had to be the one to go.

i know we prayed, we all prayed and hoped that this wouldn’t happen. So, to ensure we don’t take Alexis’ death in vain, we must hold on to this and learn--because, something needs to make sense otherwise I don’t know how we can go on.

Lex was diagnosed, September 28th with Leukemia. She was in her 28th year when she won her fight against cancer (although defeated by her liver complications). We found an apartment building in Tel Aviv, number 28, and the number of the actual apartment we stayed in was 28. Ricky and I read psalm number 28 at the kotel, 28 times. Alexis passed away, December 28th, at 10pm eastern standard time, (December 29th Israel time). 28. I remember standing in front of the door to the Tel Aviv apartment with Debbie, staring at that number, and she said, “i don’t know what this 28 is suppose to mean--if it’s something good or if its something bad.”

28 in gamara, represents kaf and chet. Together, they mean strength. From strength to strength. From strength to strength. From strength to strength Alexis came. and from strength to strength she went. So if nothing else can comfort us, if nothing else makes sense, if nothing else can guide us, than at least, lets go from strength to strength the way lex did. Let the power and outpouring of her strength seep into us. Let her strength inspire our own strength and our ability to be strong. Let’s be more aware of our own strength--and know, that when we are being the strongest we could ever possibly be, know that Alexis has something to do with it. Alexis’ strength will forever be part of our emotional muscle and she'd want us flexing it.