"With time, it will get easier"

With time it will get easier. That is what people keep saying. I think I used to tell people that. The meaning of this euphemism, however, for me at least, doesn't seem to be working or moving in that healing direction.
Time, certainly is a beautiful thing. Thank gd I have it. But with time, i don't think this will get easier. At least, not anytime soon.

I spoke with one of Alexis' best friends this morning, she and I are on the same page. basically, in time, we will learn that this is permanent. That with time, it will become more clear to us that she isn't here. And then what?

During shiva, I remember Alexis' Bubbie (Debbie's mom) say, this is especially hard on the kids. I remember thinking that this is just hard on everyone. But, maybe she is right? I don't know though. To lose such a life, that was full of life has got to be hard on all of us. For us kids, I guess, we wanted her to be part of our lives for always--do all the growing up/ learn about life stuff. I know she will be part of my life, but it won't be the same without her here. Fact.

Jen told me Lex always saw me as a little ball of sunshine. Lex told me that all the time too. I'm happy she felt that way. I'm happy I made her happy. I'm happy I was there with her. She made me happy. So, my goal is to get back to that, but for now, I'm really behind a big white fluffy cloud. There is less rain, less thunder. But the sun isn't out yet. I guess, in time it will?