Timing.

its shabbat. and just like on any shabbat, for me at least, i think about my week. I sit. Alone. Quietly. By myself. With just my thoughts. I reflect. I wonder. I calculate. I breath. On each shabbat, I close my eyes, or stare at the sunset, and think about each day. I try to think about all the events that took place. Think about who i spoke with. Who I helped. who I hugged. What i ate. I think about, and I really stress "try" to think about the time that was my week.

I take Saturday first, then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then of course, Friday. I dissect every moment. This week, by far, was the hardest most emotional week of my life. Not just for me, but I think the entire world.

Last Saturday, I spent the morning in bed. Crying, yelling, upset. Preparing to greet, and how the f can I seriously prepare to greet, how can I even say greet, Debbie, Rick and Danielle at their home. This was not the way we were suppose to bring Lex home...I can't even wrap it around my head that she is gone. A piece of me still thinks this is a mistake. That the doctors made a mistake. That we have to just wake her up, and she'll be fine. How is she possibly gone?

Then Sunday, the day Lex was coming home. This was the day before the funeral. I know that I was a mess. I don't really remember where i was. Sunday? I really don't remember you. I know I was with family--inside Debbie and Rick's home with the rest of Toronto--the rest of what felt like the world. The entire world is grieving. No one was in any good condition--and though some of us looked like we were, we absolutely were not. I think Sunday, now that it just popped into my head, Debbie read a journal entry of something lex wrote. She only wrote once. She wrote about a few people. She wrote about Nurse Samira, she wrote about Dr. Gazoontite and Dr. Slavin--"they were writing a new book" and it was going to be about her. She wrote about a selfless pilot, Matt, an angel to Lex--a perfect stranger who wanted to help and did beyond words. She wrote about her two close friends, Steve and Mark. How much they made her feel like she was home while being so far away...she wrote about her rock, her mom. She wrote about me. When debbie read what she wrote, I was surrounded by Alexis' family and closest friends. Thank gd for them. Her friends are all pieces of her--I see her in a lot of them. It's comforting. I just wish she was here to see her girls and i all together. That's what she wanted. We had a plan for all of us to hang out. Now i'm with them and I wish, wish wish you were here. I know you'd be so happy. Lex, they are all amazing girls. I understand why they were your world. I love them a lot. Through them I will forever be reminded of you...although, you will be in my mind forever.

Then Monday. I can't. I can't talk about it. All I know is that the sun shone through at the feld and you were there with us. You were there. We know. You warmed us in the most darkest hour. There must have been over 1000 people there. Lex, I wish you were here. These people would all have been at your welcome home party. They would have been the crowd to greet you at the airport. All of them. All of them loved you. Will always love you. Lex. it was an army. An army you created. An army of love.

It was so hard Lex. So hard. I couldn't believe it was happening. I couldn't believe it was you. It's just not right. It's not right.

Then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday are all a blur really. Full of people, shoes, jackets, hangers. Seemed like thousands. Probably was. Your house was full. Full to the rim. Every night. People came to love and support your parents and to love and support each other. Strangers I even think came. Lex, you left a legacy my love, my cousin, my best friend. You left a legacy.

And now today. Friday. Friday. Shabbat. My day of reflection.

As I reflect on everything, reflect on my time with you leading up to today, I thank gd for timing. I don't thank gd that you aren't here. That's for sure. I thank gd for timing. I thank gd, or something bigger, for timing. For allowing me to be with you at, though some think were only hard times, we both know were amazing times. The time we had together was unlike anything we've both ever experienced. We knew we loved each other because we sorta had to...we are family...but we took our friendship, our bond to a whole other level. I left you in Israel when I was full of hope. I brought that hope home with me and passed it out to everyone else. I was FULL of hope. FULL FULL FULL! And I can't believe it. It's just been a shock. This week has been a shock.

Today, this Friday, this Shabbat, I think of you. I think of you always, but I really think of you. ANd i think of timing. I think of the minutes and

seconds and hours we spent together. Like two peas in a pod. I knew there was a reason why I didn't go to India. I knew there was a reason why I had to stay in Israel. Lex, 2 days before I was about to book a flight back to Toronto, we learned of the next chapter of your life. There was no hesitation in my heart or mind that I had to stay. I wanted to stay. We were both excited, though obviously the circumstances were not in our favour, we were going to have time to hang out. Finally. And what a time we had. It was a honeymoon i wished would never end.

Lex, I love you. I can't believe you aren't here. But trust me when I say this, you will forever be in so many peoples minds and thoughts for days, and years, and decades and centuries to come. TIming. That's what we had. We had timing. Timing.

Shabbat Shalom.