I'm not about to start making sense out of this. I'm not going to say, well, Alexis is gone because (fill in blank). The blank doesn't exist for me right now. Other than the real, out of order, untimely, difficult, traumatic truth. It's just that, she's gone. She's gone because she's gone.
Don't get me wrong, of course I've spent hours trying to contemplate the reality of this. But to make sense out of this. Sense? Alexis gone? This combination is just not realistic to me. yet. I've been asking for someone to pinch me--instead they are hugging me. I'm being hugged. I'm being told, the time you had with her was so special. How lucky you are that you really knew the real Lex. But still. I'm numb. Those that understand what I'm saying are also numb.
Lex and gone don't make sense. But somehow, this is the truth. Lex, our beautiful smiley face is the reason why so many 1000s of people came to pay tribute to her Monday Jan 3. It seems like a year ago. All of those people, and more, were touched by her story and touched by what they knew of her. Everyone is scarred. Everyone has been left feeling empty. Holes. Holes. Holes. Holes in her closest friends hearts, including mine. Holes in her boyfriend's hearts. Holes in strangers hearts. Holes in her families hearts. Holes in her sisters heart. Holes in her parents heart. Nothing, nothing can possibly fill that hole.
I don't want that hole closed. That hole will forever be Alexis'. That hole will be a constant reminder of her--and nothing will take it away. A friend mentioned to me that to feel pain and to feel hurt is to know that you truly had a connection with that person. And how lucky am I to feel that pain? That hurt. So many people never got to know the Lex the way I did (and her other fans). As weird as it sounds, i'm honored to be hurting this bad. I wish I wasn't hurting. This of course is not how I wanted to feel, how any of us wanted to feel or intended to feel. This is the opposite. Polar opposite feeling. But in some weird way and it probably sounds insensitive or something...but how lucky am i to feel so much hurt.
Spending time with her in Israel...breathing hope into the air, I had no clue that this was even a possibility. I mean, I may have had a clue, but I see through a pink lens. I only wanted to see the good. I only wanted to see the positive. I only wanted to be and remain optimistic. My hope was so strong. SO so strong. I hoped. Every little piece of my 4"11 body hoped. From my head to my feet. My WHOLE being!!!
2 comments:
Elise, if love and hope could have cured her...... well you know the rest. She gave us an incredible gift, the knowledge that even when there is no control we still can control our attitudes/outlook. Being sad is ok but one day I hope we will remember her without tears, she was so much more than a girl with cancer, so much more. She deserves to be remembered for her infectious smile, charismatic personality, great ideas and insatiable love of life. Love you, Debbie
Amen. Slowly slowly, we will reach into our memory trunks the way she would want us too. I still and don't think I ever saw her as a girl with cancer.
Love you Debbie
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