dig for lessons

Lex passed a year ago around this time on Israel's clock (so really the 29th of December, 2010).

And man, has time passed--looking back, it feels like forever ago that she died but somehow, the year has flown by so quickly and the craziest part is so much has happened...I've managed to catch a few lessons along the way: laugh and cry at the same time, a lot. Eat more things I'm not suppose to (knowing that Lex would indulge if she were here). And while I already maintain a positive persona, when I think of her, she inspires me to give a little bit more light to others (in other words, she helps brighten other people's days as well).

I've also learned what it means to be sad (in a very real yet unfamiliar way and now of course, a comfortable way). A friend a while back told me that being sad meant that you really had something special with the person who passed away and to feel sadness meant something special and real and honest. I believe that.

I wrote about translating sad emotions into empowering ones/ brave ones and I still hold that sentiment. But man, a year, a whole year, a year this earth, this world, our world, my world, your world has wrestled with sadness.

In all of it I realize, it's okay to be sad and cry--we wouldn't be human. We need those emotions to persevere and to survive. We need to know what sadness feels like so that when we enter into happiness, our level of happiness will be heightened and our smiles will be bigger and brighter and more honest. You will be higher (without the drugs). Go and be sad, but just, while you are in that sadness, that hole (you have to embrace that hole by the way--it's important) know that you can build your way out of it and dig for those lessons. That is how you grow to be stronger and of course, happier.

for this year, don't be so complacent with your emotions or yourself...you, yourself, at the end of the day are the one you need to count on so explore and discover and learn and share as much as possible.

inspired by lex,

new year wishes to you and yours...

coping mechanisms

I've delayed writing. Perhaps pushed away thinking. Sealing any possible thought to avoid inevitable sadness. Man we miss this girl.

What are you suppose to do with the feelings of loss? Push them aside? Ignore them? Meet them eye to eye? Let them break you down a little and then build yourself back up again so that strength may prevail?

I've grappled with the use of my feelings of loss and the other day, it struck me...

Feelings of loss don't necessarily need to elicit negative reaction. For me, I think anyway, it's been somewhat opposite and I'm trying to see the positive and hold onto it as tightly as I can. Not to mention, if I didn't take the positive route I wouldn't be able to live with myself and I know my compadre Alexis would be pissed. If she knew we were just commiserating and sad and helpless, she would be mad and we would not do justice to her or her legacy. So instead, empowerment is the word that comes to mind. Realizing and actualizing that this is absolutely a loss, but also a gain where some form of expression of empowerment is present in our day (man that's taken a year to say--it's true what they say, these things take a while to swallow)...is this a selfish construct or simply, a coping mechanism?

I'm going to say empowerment is a good coping mechanism.

From grief to empowerment, one spectrum to the next. It's what we need to do. At least for me.

Light the Night Walk 2011--Almost reached my goal

Light the Night Walk 2011

I've experienced a new feeling and I am expressing it too well lately. It's called anger. I don't think that the experience of grieving has a particular order although the process in books seem to be prescribed such that you move from sadness to denial, to anger and eventually to moving on (i think guilt is somewhere in the mix). Anger has reared its ugly head on me. it's happening to me now.

It's been 9 months since and while time has certainly lapsed, Lex is still not here and it is making me really really angry. I'm angry because she should be here and I'm angry because she died. It's kind of like the experience of being claustrophobic--caught in a tight space, no room to move around and your fighting frantically to get out like a baby in a womb. Just angry. I don't think it will last long--but while I'm angry I will embrace it with a pink bow in my hair.

Light the Night Walk 2011

Light the Night Walk 2011

Walking for Lex to kick Leukemia in the ass

Walking for Lex to kick Leukemia's ass

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a tree for you

After Poland, like all March of the Living trips we traveled to Israel. I was dreading going back there--first time for everything--most don't dread going to Israel. But i did. I just didn't want to have to deal with the emotions of going back to a place that I had left you--smiling and hopeful. But, alas, this is part of my gig and as soon as my feet touched the ground in Israel it hit me that you weren't there.

I spent months from the time I knew I was heading for Israel attempting and in some ways pretending to prepare my emotions for what was going to come. This was not the thing you could write a script for though. You never know how you will react before you get somewhere--so I didn't prepare. I just continued missing you, naturally.

Upon arrival in Israel, our group headed directly to the north to go tree planting. I couldn't picture anything more fitting. My participants all planted trees to mark the Jewish presence in the land of Israel, and I planted one for you--and your presence in the land of Israel. I know that a lot of you is still in Israel--eating a huge caramel decadent pie, enjoying a delicious salad at Goocha that I had you drooling over in a mere description and just walking along the look out staring at the sea like we did that one shabbat.

Neshama's as strong as yours definitely need to be bound up and protected in a land like Israel--and I know a country like this, one you loved so dearly, will protect you and keep your precious neshama safe. And now, there is a tree in Israel for you that I will forever go and visit each time i go.

This is a tree for you.

unveiled

thanks for the little sun today--i think we all felt your warmth today. none of us wanted to leave you today. we all sort of just stood around and didn't want to go.
you are dearly missed. beyond any stretch of the definition.

late night rambles

I still don't believe any of this is true. so much of me still thinks that you will be coming home. but the reality is so far from that. the worst part is that i'm going to Israel in a few weeks--and then i think this will all be even more real--more permanent. a real punch to the stomach kinda realization that you aren't here and certainly not in Israel.

I miss you like crazy. we all miss you like crazy.

the memories of you and i in your housepital are coming at me fast and furious--i picture you marching along with the characters on the television screen.

i picture you turning your little head every time i opened the door to come into your hospital room to hang--eager to hear about the crazy adventure i had been on.

i think of "skinny bitch" and it's shiny reflection at night time.

i think of our long late night talks...our evening strolls...our honest exchanges about life, people, tragedy, gossip...imparting to you some of my philosophies about life and you taking a deep interest.

and while all these memories took place in a setting not so happy, these are all mostly happy memories. and they are mine. they are ours. but mostly mine.

how lucky am i that i got to be part of those moments. precious moments. we took it all in like it was our last--we know that lesson--live every day to the fullest. and we did. we really did.

your care and concern for me and everyone around you. your honest and loving opinions. your eagerness to learn more about a particular situation. your understanding of the world and people around you--we agreed on so many levels.

and you knew yourself so well--you were so well aware. so much more aware than a lot of people in this world. you got it.

been so busy lately with work--you'd be excited for me and the adventures i'm about to go on. besides going on the march of the living, i'll finally be heading to india--hehe...not one of the places you wanted to go to though--was too dirty for you! :) but i'll bring you back something cool anyway! a bracelet perhaps? i know you'd be excited. you knew how badly i wanted to go there. :) and each time i said india, you always smiled and said that it wasn't your thing.

i took this photo thinking of lex. then i found out 2 hours later.

almost been a month

i thought that not writing would be easier some how. but it's not. this is still really hard. not a single day goes by where I don't think of alexis--she is so present in so many things that go on in my life. so many reminders. so many people that ask how you doing. so many times i take an extra bite of something just for her. especially if it's something really yummy. i take an extra bite for her. i guess that's one of the ways i'm dealing with all of this. sort of. the other method that was recommended was to distract myself. going into it, i didn't think it was a good idea...because when you distract yourself, for me at least, you push off feelings that are important to confront and go through. I've been blanketing my emotions through different mediums. work, going out, friends, painting. but eventually the blanket comes off and your left naked with a million different emotions. that's kind of happening tonight. st. patty's out of all nights. lex would want me to go out, and i'm trying to. that's my plan. okay. i'm going. nice to write again. miss her.

hard to write this

slowly setting in. permanence. slowly slowly. but i reject it. though, I shouldn't. but, then, how am i suppose to know what to do. how are any of us suppose to know. relentless and unending questioning with no good answer. that's the truth.

we went for sushi last night. wish you were there.

We ordered so much sushi.

At one point there were 60 pieces of salmon shashimi on the table. I can hear you laughing at that.

We miss you. Like crazy.

i miss her so much.

"With time, it will get easier"

With time it will get easier. That is what people keep saying. I think I used to tell people that. The meaning of this euphemism, however, for me at least, doesn't seem to be working or moving in that healing direction.
Time, certainly is a beautiful thing. Thank gd I have it. But with time, i don't think this will get easier. At least, not anytime soon.

I spoke with one of Alexis' best friends this morning, she and I are on the same page. basically, in time, we will learn that this is permanent. That with time, it will become more clear to us that she isn't here. And then what?

During shiva, I remember Alexis' Bubbie (Debbie's mom) say, this is especially hard on the kids. I remember thinking that this is just hard on everyone. But, maybe she is right? I don't know though. To lose such a life, that was full of life has got to be hard on all of us. For us kids, I guess, we wanted her to be part of our lives for always--do all the growing up/ learn about life stuff. I know she will be part of my life, but it won't be the same without her here. Fact.

Jen told me Lex always saw me as a little ball of sunshine. Lex told me that all the time too. I'm happy she felt that way. I'm happy I made her happy. I'm happy I was there with her. She made me happy. So, my goal is to get back to that, but for now, I'm really behind a big white fluffy cloud. There is less rain, less thunder. But the sun isn't out yet. I guess, in time it will?

flowing with the emotions

The general sequence of conversation is something like this:
"I never knew her but I feel for you, and if i feel this way, then i don't know how you're coping. I can't imagine how her parents are coping, her sister."

I don't generally know how to answer this because a way a person feels changes every second, every moment and I can't speak for anyone but myself right now. Of course people can appear better than they are; and what goes on behind closed doors is between an individual and most likely a pillow case.

It's hard to ask me how they are "coping" because i don't really go by the term. I more so go by moving through the waves of emotions. I've said that before i think. Memories can pop in out at any moment and take you for a spin, a roller coaster ride, that never seems like it will end. then there is the question of guilt, should we be having a good time, enjoying, laughing. There is no direct answer. The only thing I can see, personally, is that circumstances like this, the only way, for me at least, is to ride the emotional wave. When a big wave comes crashing, feel that crash. When there is ease at the tide, go with it. Let it happen. Let the emotions guide you, not hinder you. Let them continue your flow. and as morbid as it might seem, go with it, enjoy it. Enjoy each emotion. Embrace the saddnes and the happiness. To understand saddness is to really understand and embrace happiness (vice versa).

Sitting in my new office desk, thinking of Lex.

I just started working. And everyday, I think about Lex. Thinking of her on my own is something I do every second it seems. But, now that I'm working in the Jewish community, Lex seems to be the subject. I mean, I'm happy to engage. I just won't get any work done. If they are cool with that, then so am I. My desk is a corner cubicle. People stop by. i'm the need kid on the block here and i'm easily the youngest. My office mates, whom I have developed relationships with in the past, stop by to chat. Everyday. And the topic is always Lex. She's on everyones mind. And everyone too, is also in disbelief. I get that. I told Debbie about all this on my way to work. She get's it. It makes sense. We are all talking about her and we all miss her. Even the people that didn't know her, miss her.

I had a dream

Through all of this, it's been hard to phatom the reality that lex is really gone. However, when I have lucid dreams like the one I had this past Friday, I know that she's not that far away.

I had a dream about Lex. It was so real. She was holding my hand. She wanted to make sure that everyone was ok and she looked beautiful.

Trying to find comfort in memories...

Last night I was out with one of my closest girlfriends...for the first time in a while, the words that were coming out of my mouth were memories. I was laughing without crying. Crying inside. I still haven't found the type of waterproof mascara Lex recommends.

As I told Debbie, and as I've told my closest friends and family, in no shape or form did i see lex as someone with cancer. to this day. I never will. I see the girl who made me laugh by doing nothing at all. I see the smiley face of a vivacious woman. I see her sitting at the kitchen table, and what a surprise that was that one Wednesday, with a smile and tears of joy. She said, "i cut an apple." And even when we were in the hospital, it never felt like a hospital room.

She was hysterical. The doctors told her to get as much exercise as possible and in any form. So, one day, all of a sudden, a marching band appeared on the television screen and Lex and I stood up and started to march together. To march together meant marching forward. We will march forward for lex. Slowly. But we will march forward.

holes

I'm not about to start making sense out of this. I'm not going to say, well, Alexis is gone because (fill in blank). The blank doesn't exist for me right now. Other than the real, out of order, untimely, difficult, traumatic truth. It's just that, she's gone. She's gone because she's gone.

Don't get me wrong, of course I've spent hours trying to contemplate the reality of this. But to make sense out of this. Sense? Alexis gone? This combination is just not realistic to me. yet. I've been asking for someone to pinch me--instead they are hugging me. I'm being hugged. I'm being told, the time you had with her was so special. How lucky you are that you really knew the real Lex. But still. I'm numb. Those that understand what I'm saying are also numb.

Lex and gone don't make sense. But somehow, this is the truth. Lex, our beautiful smiley face is the reason why so many 1000s of people came to pay tribute to her Monday Jan 3. It seems like a year ago. All of those people, and more, were touched by her story and touched by what they knew of her. Everyone is scarred. Everyone has been left feeling empty. Holes. Holes. Holes. Holes in her closest friends hearts, including mine. Holes in her boyfriend's hearts. Holes in strangers hearts. Holes in her families hearts. Holes in her sisters heart. Holes in her parents heart. Nothing, nothing can possibly fill that hole.

I don't want that hole closed. That hole will forever be Alexis'. That hole will be a constant reminder of her--and nothing will take it away. A friend mentioned to me that to feel pain and to feel hurt is to know that you truly had a connection with that person. And how lucky am I to feel that pain? That hurt. So many people never got to know the Lex the way I did (and her other fans). As weird as it sounds, i'm honored to be hurting this bad. I wish I wasn't hurting. This of course is not how I wanted to feel, how any of us wanted to feel or intended to feel. This is the opposite. Polar opposite feeling. But in some weird way and it probably sounds insensitive or something...but how lucky am i to feel so much hurt.

Spending time with her in Israel...breathing hope into the air, I had no clue that this was even a possibility. I mean, I may have had a clue, but I see through a pink lens. I only wanted to see the good. I only wanted to see the positive. I only wanted to be and remain optimistic. My hope was so strong. SO so strong. I hoped. Every little piece of my 4"11 body hoped. From my head to my feet. My WHOLE being!!!

WWLD

What would Lex do?

you were the most successful woman I've ever met. truly.

marching forward

i'll be in a cacoon for a while

more on time

We always say appreciate the time you have--but seriously, appreciate every moment. You never know how long moments can last for. The only control we have with time is to fully enjoy it. That's it. Nothing more, Nothing less. The time i spent with Lex, we fully enjoyed. Man I miss her. we all miss her.

Lessons

There are so many lessons you gave me and so many I gave you. Together we learned. And now, I will share. I'll live my life with them in mind.

Timing.

its shabbat. and just like on any shabbat, for me at least, i think about my week. I sit. Alone. Quietly. By myself. With just my thoughts. I reflect. I wonder. I calculate. I breath. On each shabbat, I close my eyes, or stare at the sunset, and think about each day. I try to think about all the events that took place. Think about who i spoke with. Who I helped. who I hugged. What i ate. I think about, and I really stress "try" to think about the time that was my week.

I take Saturday first, then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then of course, Friday. I dissect every moment. This week, by far, was the hardest most emotional week of my life. Not just for me, but I think the entire world.

Last Saturday, I spent the morning in bed. Crying, yelling, upset. Preparing to greet, and how the f can I seriously prepare to greet, how can I even say greet, Debbie, Rick and Danielle at their home. This was not the way we were suppose to bring Lex home...I can't even wrap it around my head that she is gone. A piece of me still thinks this is a mistake. That the doctors made a mistake. That we have to just wake her up, and she'll be fine. How is she possibly gone?

Then Sunday, the day Lex was coming home. This was the day before the funeral. I know that I was a mess. I don't really remember where i was. Sunday? I really don't remember you. I know I was with family--inside Debbie and Rick's home with the rest of Toronto--the rest of what felt like the world. The entire world is grieving. No one was in any good condition--and though some of us looked like we were, we absolutely were not. I think Sunday, now that it just popped into my head, Debbie read a journal entry of something lex wrote. She only wrote once. She wrote about a few people. She wrote about Nurse Samira, she wrote about Dr. Gazoontite and Dr. Slavin--"they were writing a new book" and it was going to be about her. She wrote about a selfless pilot, Matt, an angel to Lex--a perfect stranger who wanted to help and did beyond words. She wrote about her two close friends, Steve and Mark. How much they made her feel like she was home while being so far away...she wrote about her rock, her mom. She wrote about me. When debbie read what she wrote, I was surrounded by Alexis' family and closest friends. Thank gd for them. Her friends are all pieces of her--I see her in a lot of them. It's comforting. I just wish she was here to see her girls and i all together. That's what she wanted. We had a plan for all of us to hang out. Now i'm with them and I wish, wish wish you were here. I know you'd be so happy. Lex, they are all amazing girls. I understand why they were your world. I love them a lot. Through them I will forever be reminded of you...although, you will be in my mind forever.

Then Monday. I can't. I can't talk about it. All I know is that the sun shone through at the feld and you were there with us. You were there. We know. You warmed us in the most darkest hour. There must have been over 1000 people there. Lex, I wish you were here. These people would all have been at your welcome home party. They would have been the crowd to greet you at the airport. All of them. All of them loved you. Will always love you. Lex. it was an army. An army you created. An army of love.

It was so hard Lex. So hard. I couldn't believe it was happening. I couldn't believe it was you. It's just not right. It's not right.

Then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday are all a blur really. Full of people, shoes, jackets, hangers. Seemed like thousands. Probably was. Your house was full. Full to the rim. Every night. People came to love and support your parents and to love and support each other. Strangers I even think came. Lex, you left a legacy my love, my cousin, my best friend. You left a legacy.

And now today. Friday. Friday. Shabbat. My day of reflection.

As I reflect on everything, reflect on my time with you leading up to today, I thank gd for timing. I don't thank gd that you aren't here. That's for sure. I thank gd for timing. I thank gd, or something bigger, for timing. For allowing me to be with you at, though some think were only hard times, we both know were amazing times. The time we had together was unlike anything we've both ever experienced. We knew we loved each other because we sorta had to...we are family...but we took our friendship, our bond to a whole other level. I left you in Israel when I was full of hope. I brought that hope home with me and passed it out to everyone else. I was FULL of hope. FULL FULL FULL! And I can't believe it. It's just been a shock. This week has been a shock.

Today, this Friday, this Shabbat, I think of you. I think of you always, but I really think of you. ANd i think of timing. I think of the minutes and

seconds and hours we spent together. Like two peas in a pod. I knew there was a reason why I didn't go to India. I knew there was a reason why I had to stay in Israel. Lex, 2 days before I was about to book a flight back to Toronto, we learned of the next chapter of your life. There was no hesitation in my heart or mind that I had to stay. I wanted to stay. We were both excited, though obviously the circumstances were not in our favour, we were going to have time to hang out. Finally. And what a time we had. It was a honeymoon i wished would never end.

Lex, I love you. I can't believe you aren't here. But trust me when I say this, you will forever be in so many peoples minds and thoughts for days, and years, and decades and centuries to come. TIming. That's what we had. We had timing. Timing.

Shabbat Shalom.

it seems like the other day i was walking up arlozorov late in the evening time to change and then head back to the hospital. or, like on most days, walk back to the apartment in the morning time after spending the night with you. seems like yesterday. seems like yesterday that I would walk into the hospital room, but before i did, i'd peek through the little crack between the doorframe and the "black out" curtain. most times you wouldn't see me doing this, but when you did, and i caught your eye, it made me so happy. and when i caught your eye, i smiled at you. i smiled at you big. big. it was like a regular routine. and since i didn't have much of a routine (I was aimlessly hanging in Israel), you gave me a routine. the best kind of routine. one that involved spending my time with you, walking tel aviv/ going on adventures, and then coming back, spending time with you and sharing my stories. you loved them all. you were eager to hear them. I was eager to share them.

when i was away from the hospital, I was either at the beach, or at the vintage market or just wandering the streets--sitting at a cafe writing--refueling my energy. Refueling so that I could be strong for you. You were so strong. So strong. I remember I use to say that you and my mother are the strongest people i know and you both always had something special because of that--you forever will. my mother cherished you. I cherished you. your parents and sister cherished you. your grandparents. your boyfriend cherished you. your friends cherished you. everyone and their neighbors and strangers cherished you. the list is endless. the doctors at ichilov cherished you.

somehow, writing, is helping. i think it's helped through this process. for everyone. for all of us. I can feel that you are reading this in some way. So i want to keep writing. maybe you are really reading this. maybe you aren't. i'll believe that you do. and write. write for you.

strong because alexis was

riding the emotional wave

Lex. In some ways I want to say you won the battle of your bloods. I want to say that you beat what you were fighting against. because you did. you beat cancer right out of you. You beat it. we just wish you were still here and that we didn't have to lose you to what took you away.

flexing the emotional muscle

how does this make any sense. it has to make sense. it has to. if it doesn’t make sense than what is the point of living. what is the point of humanity and living.

in no conceivable way does it make sense that we lost lex. in no way, shape or form.

and how can we even find a way to find comfort in this. how can we begin to think about ways to help us move through this--help us get past this devastation. this tragedy. this Shakespearean heartbreaking story. the story of a beautiful woman who touched the lives of thousands...the story of this beautiful woman who stands among one of the most successful individuals i know...the story of someone who loved life--who tasted life with every bite, to its fullest.

Death is life’s reality check for the living--it just doesn't make sense that you had to be the one to go.

i know we prayed, we all prayed and hoped that this wouldn’t happen. So, to ensure we don’t take Alexis’ death in vain, we must hold on to this and learn--because, something needs to make sense otherwise I don’t know how we can go on.

Lex was diagnosed, September 28th with Leukemia. She was in her 28th year when she won her fight against cancer (although defeated by her liver complications). We found an apartment building in Tel Aviv, number 28, and the number of the actual apartment we stayed in was 28. Ricky and I read psalm number 28 at the kotel, 28 times. Alexis passed away, December 28th, at 10pm eastern standard time, (December 29th Israel time). 28. I remember standing in front of the door to the Tel Aviv apartment with Debbie, staring at that number, and she said, “i don’t know what this 28 is suppose to mean--if it’s something good or if its something bad.”

28 in gamara, represents kaf and chet. Together, they mean strength. From strength to strength. From strength to strength. From strength to strength Alexis came. and from strength to strength she went. So if nothing else can comfort us, if nothing else makes sense, if nothing else can guide us, than at least, lets go from strength to strength the way lex did. Let the power and outpouring of her strength seep into us. Let her strength inspire our own strength and our ability to be strong. Let’s be more aware of our own strength--and know, that when we are being the strongest we could ever possibly be, know that Alexis has something to do with it. Alexis’ strength will forever be part of our emotional muscle and she'd want us flexing it.